Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
