I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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