and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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