he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
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What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
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This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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