apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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