this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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