Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
