Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
