I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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