My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
