my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
