we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
