I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
