dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im holly from the hills drunk
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
