Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
