I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
