if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
