the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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