pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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