I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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