I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
