my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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