TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
