I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i've created a new STD.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
