WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
