Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
