if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
