have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
