I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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