I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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