this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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