If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
