i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
