Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
