My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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