Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
