I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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