I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
