Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
