It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
