I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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