Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
