i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
