were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
