almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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