my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
