How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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