sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
