her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
