so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
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Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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