u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She bit a glass in half.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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