Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
