I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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