I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
