Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
