Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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