Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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