Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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