Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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