A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
