I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
