did you get engaged???
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
